"anxiety · fear · life · me · mental illness · OCD · positive · Uncategorized

OCD 

OCD is not a trait, its not just about cleaning, its an illness.

I do have a clean house but it is messy at times, after all I do have a 6 year old. But when I want to clean, I CLEAN.
But still my home doesn’t sparkle or shine, maybe it’s because I think it could be cleaner.
If I think about it all too much I wouldn’t stop cleaning and I’d never relax.

But is that OCD?

My OCD is more habit, about having control.
When I really think about it I notice I have a routine and it is very repetitive.

I do the norm, I check things are turned off and doors/windows are locked. But again isn’t that normal?

Night times are worse for me.
That’s when my routine really kicks in.

So after having my son I was/am worried about Cot Death.
When he was a baby I would check on him constantly, I would place my hand in his chest to test his breathing. I still do this now after 6 years probably around 2-3 times a night.

I let him watch TV before he goes to sleep, after he is asleep I smell his TV to check it’s not overheated.

I check outside the back door for anyone out there, like a burglar.
(My parents were burgled and it still affects me).
I also leave 3 lights on so anyone thinking about breaking in they will assume people are still awake in the house.

I also make sure I go to the toilet before I got to sleep because as a child I had a sleepwalking issue, and on two occasions I had left my home and wondered around in the middle of the night.
It wouldn’t happen if I went to the toilet before bed.
I’m terrified I will start again so I always make sure I go before bed.
The thing that upsets me the most is the unwanted and intrusive thoughts.
After my son was born it hit me how dangerous life can be. I would then start having these faults of what if this happens, what if that happens?
I still have some thoughts, if I’m going somewhere for the day by car, it’s what if we crash?
What if we go to the park and a stranger takes him?
What if I don’t check on him tonight, something bad will happen?!
Sometimes they get really bad.
It’s exhausting. F&@king Anxiety!!

I like to believe there are some positives to my OCD.

I am organised, very organised. But I like that.
My home and office have items placed in a certain way, it doesn’t upset me if they’re not, I just fix them back again.

My friends call me Monica and if you have seen the TV show Friends you will understand what I mean.
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I get so into organising birthdays, hen parties and baby showers.
It’s great fun, my friends call it organised fun!

Its part of who i am.

Jo

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