anxiety · fear · life · mental illness · relationships

How They See Me

 

You walk down the street and you are not aware of who really is around you.
Hundreds of people with invisible illnesses.
And when people walk past me they are not aware that I have a mental illness, Anxiety.

I would like to say I hide my anxiety well, I prefer to suffer in silence and wear my mask.
I’m selective of who I am open with, only family and close friends know but still not the depths of it.
Some will thrive on your misery and some, well they just won’t care.

I have learnt over the years to bottle most things up. Why would I want to be a burden on anyone?

I always keep my worries hidden. I mean, how do you explain to someone what anxiety is if they do not have it? Anxiety is different for everyone and the only thing more terrifying than a panic attack is trying to explain to people what a panic attack feels like. The symptoms, the racing mind, heart and difficulty breathing. Some days I feel like I’m losing my mind.

Family see me as strong, they’ve seen the crap I have dealt with over the years. I don’t like my family to worry about me or fuss over me, they need to rely on me.
I know deep down I am strong, I am also weak it depends on what kind of day I am having.
But I always act tough for their sake.
They come to me for advice and with their problems and worries. I could never admit to them that I don’t actually have my life together.
But I have to pretend I do have my life together for my sons sake.

Friends see me as confident and funny, yet it is a show I put on. They think I am outgoing but some days I force myself.
One friend will admire the outfit I have put on but little did she know I had a hissy fit about how I looked. They don’t realise how insecure I really am, I’m always seeking reassurance yet I am quite an opinionated person but nonjudgmental, if i know i am right about something i stand my ground. i am not afraid to speak my mind or stick up for myself, I am more afraid of whats inside me, my crippling anxiety.
They do not see how much I am suffering inside when we go out to social events, they need me to fun.
Some Friends have let me down in the past, I can’t be vulnerable with the ones I have. I hate the fuss when I am having an attack, it doesn’t help. it makes it real because others can see it. so I hold it all in and suffer and smile. Its like what mask do i put on today?

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Strangers see me as polite (I hope) but I’m more worried about someone seeing me as rude more than anxious.
That’s where my mild social anxiety kicks, I seem to worry and care about what others think of me.
Anxiety doesn’t care

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It’s hard to let others know of our problems. I can feel embarrassed at times as I like to been seen as strong and confident.

I have no idea if that made any sense at all but its just good to get the thoughts out my head.

 

Jo

 

 

 

 

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