My anxiety in the past week has been a bit up and down. Lots of anticipation as I have had a few things on my mind and I have been in a state of uneasiness.
For now the anxiety storm has passed.
My Dad had an appointment this week with his consultant in regards to his cancer and he received great news that the cancer is still contained and he doesn’t have to go back until January.
I have been a bit concerned at work lately about my position as my line manager is leaving and didn’t know where that left me, but after having a chat yesterday with my general manager I received positive feedback and looking at going further in my position.
I have also been a bit concerned about my son in school. It is a month into year 2 and haven’t had much feedback about his schoolwork, he received star of the day yesterday.
So to keep positive, I am going to reveal what my mental illness has taught me so far.
When I’m having a bad day, I forget all the positives and get stuck on the negatives.
I am looking into meditation and therapy. I started my blog to help me with my anxiety, I’ve written this one to look back on when I’m having negative moments and hope it can help others.
Heres what mental illness has taught me so far…
Its okay not to be okay all the time. I think trying to act okay and strong all the time has had a massive impact on my anxiety. I still am not at a stage of talking closely about things to my family or friends but I am not battling with my own emotions anymore.
I need to let people in. I am very good at convincing people I am fine and well, I have many masks. I do not like being vulnerable and prefer the distance, I am not an open person. I may be recklessly open and transparent on my blog, it is so easy to open up through a keyboard. But I should let my closest people in, it might just help.
I am not my mental Illness. I have a mental illness, it does not define who I am.
I deserve to be happy. Like everyone else. So what if I am not on the same page as my friends I still deserve happiness.
It’s okay to put myself first. Something I don’t do that very often but a couple of weeks ago I took a day off work for myself just to relax, simple but good and overdue.
Do not dwell on the past. I have been carrying the agony of the past around with me for so long, it doesn’t help my anxiety.So I am going to try and let go and live in the moment.
I think about the past all the time. It has affected me so much that I am reliving each panic attack and every bit of drama from my past.
My head goes round in circles, I should of done this differently, I could of been this. There are so many questions but no answers because they belong in the past.I have let the past control me so much, it took me 5 years to get back together with my sons dad.
Why? Because I couldn’t let go of every last detail of anything negative in our relationship.
Over 5 years he had changed, he had grown. I could see how much of a better person he was but I was the one still stuck in the same place.
The thing is, the past can’t be changed. It’s gone, POOF. All of the coulda, woulda, shouldas won’t alter anything. It has taken me 27 years to bloody realise that!
I recently posted about my Twenties, I thought because I was in my Twenties I should of had my life together, I couldn’t of been more wrong. I have overcome that so maybe I will with my past too.
Do not expect too much from those who will let you down. Certain members of my family and friends have let me down. Do not spend time with self centered people.
Be kind, always. Everyone has their own demons and battles, I am not one to judge.
I have trouble opening up (I am working on it) but I did meet someone recently who told me about their anxiety, I had no idea they were a sufferer too. So I exchanged stories about anxiety with him and it was so refreshing. We are all trying.
And I am not alone. I always felt so alone, like I was the only one. But since being on this website I now know I am not. So thank you.
If this makes someone feel better about their own mental illness than I am happy. I should look back on this every time I am having a negative moment or when my anxiety is on a high.
I am off to Wales today, so I am sure my week will stay positive.
I will keep you updated.