Well this week has started with a bang, after a positive time last week and finally feeling relaxed it almost seems my anxiety has punished me.
I feel like I have been hit by a bus!
Monday I had a complete meltdown, or at least it felt like it.
I am terrible for bottling up things and as I have said before I wear a mask for my family, friends, and everyone else around me.
I think everything had just got the better of me and I was ready to burst.
I know I shouldn’t see crying as a weakness but that is how it feels to me, my mask is not meant to let me fall apart.
Monday evening I couldn’t hold back my tears, I was trying my best to hold it all in.
My partner sat with me and I told him things that were on my mind and what I bottle up, mainly emotions surrounding my dad and his cancer.
My throat hurt so much by restricting myself from crying, my partner was telling me to just let myself cry but I just couldn’t, I am too stubborn.
A few tears got through but I managed to control the rest, I want to be able to let my emotions out but it really is a struggle for me.
Its been an odd week I feel disorientated and disconnected, I have been clumsy at home and work, bumping into things and knocking things over. It is almost like I am drunk!
The last few days have been a bit of a blur, one of the most unpleasant symptoms of my anxiety is the very surreal feeling of not really being part of the world anymore. Actually, to say it is unpleasant is an understatement, it is distressing.
I have been feeling extremely disconnected from myself, lost, spaced out, like I am in a dream. This is coupled with feeling dizzy, light headed and a constant need to rest or sleep in a darkened room.
I have health anxiety so I often think there is something seriously wrong with my brain.
I am blaming it all on my anxiety to keep me sane, sometimes when I have a bit of an emotional meltdown I suffer from anxiety induced depersonalization and derealization.
“Depersonalization/derealization disorder involves a persistent or recurring feeling of being detached from one’s body or mental processes, like an outside observer of their life (depersonalization), and/or a feeling of being detached from one’s surroundings (derealization).”
It is not something I suffer from all the time, it is brought on from high stress levels and of course my long term anxiety.
I have also just weaned myself off my medication and the little things are getting to me, I am feeling very irritated. Maybe it was too soon.
I was getting fed up with the medication, the side effects still brought on panic attacks and I was only on 10mg. I feel let down by my GP as they should have gone through my anxiety with me to find the best drug, not just palm me off.
All I have wanted to do the last few days in curl up in my bed, sleep, and stay there.
I am exceptionally tired all the time, withdrawn, my eyes ache, and I am mentally exhausted.
I’ve been suffering from some strange vivid dreams; one where I was chased by a swarm of bees and as a result I have not been woken up by my alarm some mornings, introduced by heavy sleep.
I do not want to do anything, I just want to switch off. The smallest task requires huge motivation.
However I am still not giving in, I am walking around with a brave face, breaking down is just not me, but how I wish I could just for the release.
It is now Friday and I feel only a little bit better. Hopefully the weekend will bring on some sunshine in my life.