anxiety · life · Mental Health · mental illness · panic attacks

Unsteady

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OMG really does spring to mind of how I am feeling. OMG I am frustrated, OMG I am fed up, OMG I am tired of this, OMG OMG OMG OMG!!

I cannot remember when life was easy, when life was calm, steady and grounded.
Life has brought me stress, pressure, loneliness and for god sake Anxiety.

I am now at one of those periods where life is quite bad for me and I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHY!
The last few weeks I have neglected my blog although I only started some 3 months ago, anxiety is taking the fun out of it and making it a chore.
It is not a chore it was something I found to be a release, it was mine and I am not letting anxiety get in the way of that.
I have so many drafts stored to share instead of bombarding your feeds with all of them in one go but it is huge effort at the moment just to sign in.

Work has been crazy busy and making decisions to go for a mortgage is proving to be more wearing than I had anticipated. OK I am so sensitive to stress but still it was supposed to be an exciting time.

The last few weeks I have felt so under pressure but cannot pin point what has brought it on.
Today I met a friend for coffee, I was instantly hiding that I was suffering from a debilitating panic attack.
When did anxiety suddenly take over my social life? This isn’t the first time it has happened and felt like I have wanted to run for it!
Afterwards I then ventured off to Sainsbury’s by myself to pick up a few essentials, my panic attack was now on full whack. I felt unsteady and still having effects from that now, like I was walking but I wasn’t, or like I was drunk and in a daze, as if I am walking on a swaying boat?! I was generally frightened to take each step in case I plummeted to the ground in this heaving supermarket. So many words describe this one single feeling I was experiencing.
I couldn’t make it around the shop I just flaked and headed for the tills, whilst i was pacing up and down aisles I could not seem to make the move to head towards the juice that I needed, if I had it felt like I would never get there. Well done anxiety you have defeated me again!
I am trying to remember when and why my anxiety got this bad I used to manage it so much better but this year has proven to be difficult.
It is almost like it is punishing me for studying it more, for intruding somehow.
I have a spurt of well managed anxiety but then it comes back with a vengeance and bites me in the arse!
Why am I on medication? It is supposed to take these side effects of anxiety away!
My anxiety has brought on this new fear of fainting… WHYYY???? I have never fainted in my bloody life!!!!

What kills me the most is now this has happened I a going to be conscious every time I have to go to the the supermarket. Super! Another piece to add to the ever growing anxiety puzzle. I cannot avoid these places and know I shouldn’t anyway but I feel like I am really in the shit at the moment.
I try try try to keep positive sometimes but at the moment it just feels like complete and utter bullshit, my anxiety is just simply taking over my life!

I think it is now time to  bite the bullet and contact Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, I have never had the motivation to contact them it just sits there on my list of things to do, which by the way is piling up!

Help me! I cannot carry on like this!

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