Yes you got it, I am on a negative again.
I had another toxic melt down last night, it wasn’t exactly anxiety related it was more of my life is piling up and I’m getting no release.
I’m the type of person who is well basically a glue, I keep and hold everything together, again to mention my mask. I have so much going on in my life that I walk around like I have got my life together and everything is just peachy. When in reality I’m falling apart.
My dad is very ill with his cancer, I am pressuring myself with this AAT course already, preparing for moving, work has got more full on, my sons attention and school. Aside from that everyday stuff, work, chores, running errands is proving to be difficult.
Everything is just piling up, my life is piling up.
Why is it that I can only acknowledge that on my blog, why can I not talk about all the negative shit in my life.
I feel like in front of everyone I need them to see me as a hard working employee, a devoted perfect mother, an amazing partner, an ideal auntie or sister, and the best friend.
They have to see that I am doing well, this could mean a number of things but I cannot let anyone see me broken.
Maybe I have too high expectations of my life that it breaks me when I’m not reaching those expectations, I am putting major pressure on myself and I believe it is too much at once, I am always pushing myself and never slow down. I still have a mental list of things I need to do simple ones like ringing my Satellite TV company and the dentist. I CAN NEVER FIND THE TIME! One thing on my list is to revisit the doctors, I am the typical person that saves up loads of issues and problems to then blurt them out in a ten minute appointment with the GP.
I need to stop comparing my life to others and go at my own pace really otherwise I am faced with disappointments and it cannot be good for my anxiety or my overall health in general.
For example my friendship group, I may sound a little silly but I compare my friendship group to fictional ones on like sex and the city. Everywhere I look there are friendship groups of all kinds that are strong compared to mine, I am thinking is it a show? Or am I missing out? All these women tell each other everything and have each other’s backs. I don’t even feel I can tell them anything anymore, they have no idea about the depths on my negative shit. I think this brought on my meltdown yesterday, we had all gone out for a Christmas lunch together and it was lovely and we all had a good old giggle. However whilst we all get along and have fun, we do not seem to know anything that’s going on in each others lives apart from idol gossip.
I read a blog recently the “15 Negative Attitudes of Unhappy People”. I was guilty of most if not all of the 15 points made. However number 11. “Seeing Yourself as a Victim”. Well I do not see myself as a victim at all, and to clarify I am not unhappy.
I have a bit of a clearer head today, but feeling a bit down in the dumps and washed out.
But I have got myself a little motivated, done some AAT work and rang CBT finally. I am now officially on my way to therapy. Just in time for the new year.
Hopefully one day I can look back at this post and say “I made it”!