anxiety · blog · emetophobia · fear · life · Mental Health · mental illness

Under the Weather

sick-feeling-low-ill-fever-status-for-whatsapp

I had planned for my next post to be “my year ahead” but that has been delayed as I have started the new year with a bang, no wait not a bang a bug!
Yep that’s right the bold Norovirus hit my home ….

No big deal right, its just a bug, a 24 hours thing, NO not for me. It is my living hell, my worst nightmare, the root of my anxiety – my intense phobia of vomiting. In other words I am a Emetophobic, I have an insane fear of being sick and others around me being sick.

It started in the early hours of Monday morning and struck my poor son first bless his little heart he is aware of my phobia and called for his Daddy to help him as Mummy doesn’t like sick. He came into my room after he had thrown up and said to me “Mummy don’t worry,  I have been sick so don’t come near me Ok.” Even when he is ill he is so thoughtful. After a few episodes of him being sick through the night, I couldn’t just sit there in bed and not support him so I went into his room to check on him, he again said to me “Mummy don’t come too close to me, I’m sick and don’t want you to get sick, you can just kiss me on my forehead because if you kiss me on the mouth you will catch the germs”.
My poor partner having been up and down most of the night had finally given into the bug and threw up himself many times in the morning.
Because of my fear my anxiety avoidance behaviours kick in and because the majority of people who catch a stomach bug are usually sick during the night (when their immune system is at its weakest) I decided it would be clever to not sleep at all so I would somehow surpass the stomach bug. Nope it got me that day.

At 6am I had left my bedroom and sat in the living room because I was having an almighty panic attack, I knew it was coming deep down but wanted to believe it was just a panic attack and not the bug. I wanted to let my partner rest so i phoned my mum. Yes that’s right I phoned my mum, I am in my late twenties and still need my mum when I am ill.

After hours of sitting there stopping myself going to the bathroom and reading hints and tips of defeating a stomach bug on google I had to give in. I called my partner to help me as I stood in the bathroom shaking uncontrollably and sweating. He was holding my hand whilst struggling to stand there as he was so run down and I was trying TRYING to be sick but my body goes into real panic mode that it just won’t let me. Sounds crazy right?! But it is true my fear is so extreme that my body has an inability to be sick, I heave and feel it there but it just doesn’t happen. It literally is my worst nightmare!
So a couple of days later here I am, still feverish and queasy whereas my partner and son are back to 100%. Not being able to be sick is so damaging to me, I lose my appetite and my oesophagus is sore.

It really was the worst week for us all to be ill! My son has school, my partner and I have work and I was supposed to be doing payroll this week! We had a viewing on the perfect home on Monday to which we had to cancel and rearrange to be called up on Tuesday top say it has been sold. So thank you very much Norovirus.

If there is a plus side I did lose a few pounds by not eating for 36 hours however this is not a diet I will trying again!

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